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The Trouble With Underwear

Puberty didn't give me big watermelons, nor did it leave with tiny, little, beesting-like titties. I have a handful, apparently I'm not wasteful, a handful that I like to fill a bra with.

Like most women, I like lingere. I like underwear that makes me feel sexy. Strangely enough, I feel sexier in plain cotton underwear than I do wearing lacey, frilly or sheer knickers and bras. I don't know why this is exactly, especially as it is the opposite to the general societal stereotype.

"Have you noticed how the most sensual things are always red?" excerpt from a Special K advertisement, which shows lacey lingere

I don't care what they say, I like my underwear to be plain and functional.

Panties:

Must not ride up my bottom crack unless designed or instructed.
Must not show pubic hair through material.
Must always have a crotch.
Must not itch.
Must not pinch at the hips.
Must not have frills that show through skirts or trousers.

Brasseries:

Must not be padded. Fake boobies are not cool.
Must never have wobbly silicone inserts or be able to pump up at the click of a button.
Must cover erect nipples in times of southly winds and overactive air-conditioning.
Must not be obvious underneath clothes, ie, must not pinch fat backs.
Must not produce four breasts - one on the the left, one on the right, and one each on top.

I do not think these are unreasonable requests. I'm not asking for bigger boobs, new revolutionary material or butt lifting action. I'm asking for support, coverage and underwear that I don't have to hand wash, because really, who has the time for that? The problem is, I can't find underwear that I would be seen dead in, particularly when being pronounced dead, lying on a steel table. No one wants to die in bad underwear.

I don't often see cotton underwear that comes in a matching set, so I assume that underwear manufacturers don't seem to like making them. I may like my underwear to be simple, but I don't like it to be mismatching. I want black and white cotton underwear sets. I don't want underwear with sunflowers on them, or hearts, or lace flowers on the bust, or weird textures. I don't want underwear that had obvious seams that make my boobs look funny. I don't want underwear that only comes with a matching pair of granny briefs. I want plain, and I want selection. Why is that such a task?

In the last few months, I've been to many stores thinking I would be able to buy some of the, seemingly elusive, dream underwear. I've been to department stores and I've been to speciality underwear boutiques. I always leave empty-handed and sulky. Everything I find is fancy and gadgetful, not to mention expensive. And the worst thing about it, is that I don't mind paying $50 for a great fitting bra, that would be, if I should ever find one that fits and isn't terribly ugly and padded.

Is this a curse I must bear until my breasts are so saggy it doesn't matter if I don't wear a bra anymore? Must I be forced into wearing pushup bras forever? Will I have to wear 3 layers of clothing to work because my erect nipples are visible through my top due to the room temperature? I suppose, but I bet no one will be complaining. Nor will they be looking me in the eye.