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Summer

I suppose I should be grateful that I live in the Southern Hemisphere, and that I'm not caught middle of a gigantic snowstorm, or that it hasn't been raining for three weeks straight and my car has a big puddle of smelly water in the boot. But the truth is, I'm not. I miss winter.

It's not that intensely dislike summer, it's just that I intensely dislike...oh, summer. No, hang on! I don't. There are just some very annoying things that go hand-in-hand with summer.

The heat.
Essentially, this is the most important part of summer, and the part that most people look forward to and enjoy the most. But not me. With heat, comes sweat. With sweat, come smell. With smell, comes complaints from dirty, old homeless men who ask for a drag on your cigarette that has only three puffs left, and that can not be good. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with sweat when it is associated with sex or another form of physical exercise, but not when it occurs solely because you walked three minutes down the road to buy an iceblock which is almost completely melted by the time you get home. Also with heat comes melting tar on the road and footpath, which is not good for shoes, feet, socks or carpet.

Over-tanned bimbos.
This is not because I am very, very pale. It is not that I am jealous, because I do indeed tan. I just find it really sickening to go into a supermarket and be surrounded by bleached-haired girls wearing short skirts, so short in fact that I can almost see their underpants and I can definitely see their cellulite, who are so tanned they have those "I've been going to sunbeds all winter, and I'm still going to them now that it's summer and I'm also sunbathing 3 days a week" freckles on their chests and shoulders, and who are so tanned that they are darker than my friend Debbie who is half-Samoan and it's just not right when the girls you are looking at are white.

Guys who think they are sexy, who are in fact not, but insist on being topless every time you see them.
I'm just jealous actually, because I don't see what the difference between male nipples and female nipples are and why I have to cover mine up, but they don't. It's just not fair. Not fair! Men who have excessively hairy nipples, or excessively large nipples should just cover them up and be done with it. Or they could wear bikini tops, or just cover their nipples with those round bandaids. Perhaps removal of said bandaids would aid in the removing excess hair too.

People with okayish cars who insist on play the new Gatecrasher album at full volume and drive up and down the main road 20 times an hour.
I need say no more.

Swimming.
I love swimming, but I'm scared of sharks, eels, drowning, big waves, sharp pointy things in my feet, sunburn, oh fuck, I'm a neurotic wanker. I do love skinny-dipping however, so best I find a this year's secluded skinny-dipping spot soon!

Summer clothes.
I hate summer clothes. I especially hate summer clothes from Glassons - I'm not sure what is wrong with them, or why they insist on selling boobtubes and sparkly skirts to 11-year-old girls, but I'm betting that Dakota Smith loves it anyway. It's the middle of summer, and I'm still trying to wear my cute winter clothes, and it's just not working. See: Heat. It's a prerequiste to summer to stock bright yellow, orange and pink clothes, which aren't cool, but the always put those colours on sale, and they are cheap and you are poor and now uncool.

The only good thing about summer is that everyone seems to get tired in summer so I don't have to make up excuses for staying in bed all day. It's just that it's so much more fun when it's raining and cold, you know?