ANI MOLLER: Superior Content, Hot Text

The Skinny Girl's Guide To Dieting

I am a skinny girl. I've always been a skinny girl, and if I'm lucky, I'll always be a skinny girl. But until now, I was "too" skinny. Too light for my height, too tall for my weight. Someone was always telling me to eat more, and then someone else would always ask about my "eating disorders"*.

Until I was 20, I had never weighed more than 46kgs. Only a few months ago, I was 43kgs. If I had the flu and went to the doctor's, the first thing they'd ask would be if I was eating properly. My teachers in school often called my parents to find out the same thing.

"I'm concerned about Andrea. She is very pale and skinny. Is she eating properly? I mean, sure she has energy, and doesn't faint, and doesn't have sunken cheeks and has always looked this way, but are you sure Mr & Mrs Moller? Are you sure you're feeding her?"

I figured that I had hollow bones or something, but I was always trying to figure out how to put on weight. There were meat pies, candy, meat diets, exercising, takeaways. There was the year and a half that I worked at McDonalds, which meant half-price meals 4 times a week. But still, I could not get my weight anywhere near what was "recommended".

Then, one day, I gave up caring. I'm slim, so what? I guess I'm just lucky, because there are so many overweight girls out there that starve themselves trying to get as thin as me.

It's not my fault! It's not my fault that if I were taller I'd be a catwalk model! It's not my fault that I look the way that you want to look! Stop staring** at me when I'm wolfing down that big, juicy, greasy Quarter Pounder!

But something strange and miraculous happened not long ago. I got back from my holiday to America, weighed myself, and POW!, I had gained 6 kilograms! How did this happen?

It's a miracle! Praise the Lord!

There are lot of very skinny girls out there, each of whom I'm sure have tried my little tricks to put on weight. But I have documented this weight gain, and I'm here to share this with you. I am here to help!

1. Eat US$50*** worth of candy in a sitting.
Sure, you'll get a blue tongue, a red tongue, your plaque will be coloured, the bumps on your tongue will stick up begging for you to stop putting sugar near it and you may loose a tooth or two, but it is necessary. The sugar in the candy will keep you awake for many nights of continued eating.

2. Go to every Mexican restaurant in your area.
It is the fatty cheese and the greasy meat that helps keep the weight on. You must order a big plate of enchiladas, and eat all the free chips on the table before they arrive.

3. Order everything with a side order of eggs and cheese.
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Eggs and cheese! Eggs with apple pie! Cheese with chocolate cake!

4. Out with coffee, in with full-cream milkshakes!
Coffee makes you pee, full-cream milkshakes make you fat! Hurrah!

5. Eat what you want, when you want.
You can eat a push-pop in that business meeting****. You can eat Burger King in a movie theatre. You can go out and order a big, fat, dirty steak instead of salad. Salad is for rabbits!

Five very simple rules. You'll be packing on the kilos in no time! Let's not be beanpoles any longer! Let's get fat, and be proud!

* I have never had an eating disorder, not unless you count the last few years where I binge and binge and don't purge. Trying to put on weight is so hard!
** It's really embarrassing when people are watching you eat, and you need to pee after dinner. Really, really embarrassing.
*** Oh, god, that is so much in New Zealand dollars.
**** You'll also be extremely popular with the men you work with.