"Polishup - Pop open the champagne - after a nude summer, nail polish is back. Yes, on your fingernails. (Were we putting it somewhere else last season?) Before you ditch your tried-and-true French polish, there are a few things you should check before going back to dark colours. 1. Are you nails short and square? 2. Do you always remove polish as soon as it chips? 3. Do you recognise the importance of a top coat? If you answered yes to all three, your'e ready to progress into the chic metallic shades of winter."

My nails are shortish and not really square. I don't take off my nail polish as soon as it chips. I like to pick it when I get bored in meetings. I never use a top coat. Oh my god! I'm not ready to progess into the chic metallic shades of winter! Well, we have a suicide situation on hand.

Whilst still on the Beauty page, I noticed this dramatic catwalk crisis.

"The occasion: The 1999 American Fashion Awards. What happened: Just before a model stepped onto the catwoalk in her Yohji Yamamoto bridal dress, someone dropped a red lipstick on her wite gown. Rescued by: The make-up artists who ran over with Bobbi Brown Eye Make-up Remover, which works miracles on stains. Lesson learned: Take it with you whenever you're wearing white."

I thought the lesson learned was to stop hiring people who are high on crack and speed.

I guess I'm just a sucker for advertising. I flicked some pages and saw a pair of wonderful boots! Knee high black PVC boots. Of course the first thing I did was ring Australia and buy a pair. Wasn't that intelligent. A sucker I tell you.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy reading glossy magazines like Cleo, Cosmo, B, FHM etc. It's nice to know that there are people skinnier than me out there (albeit they all have eating disorders) and that my dress sense isn't altogether that bad. But it would be nice to feed my mind rather than feed their wallets. But I suppose, I could go to the library.