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The Goddy-Gods: A Tale of Misfortune, The Bible and Evil Moles
The following story was written by a very good friend of mine, who decided that I wasn't allowed to use her name. What a twit. Anyway, we met when we were eleven years old, and have been friends ever since. She asked me not to post this story, but I found it so amusing that I had to. Now, you are probably not going to find this story amusing at all, because almost all of the jokes and funny parts are based around things that have actually happened to us. For example;
Also, please note this story is very long.
Once upon a time, there were four good friends, Molly Mopper, Ani Slapper, Pippy Plopper and Poppy Pooper. Molly, Pippy and Poppy were good girls. Ani Slapper was one bad-ass motherfucker.
Molly, Pippy and Poppy were around at Ani's house doing their science homework that their nice HOD science teacher had given them. It was an experiment with tuning forks. They had to make some of their own, but of course, Ani Slapper had stolen a pair.
You see, Ani never used to be like this. She was once a carefree wee lass who was free of cares. Ani had been friends with Molly her whole life and had known Poppy and Pippy since she was pre-pubescent. What had triggered her tourettes-like behaviour was an incident involving the Head of the Science Department. But that doesn’t need to be explained at this point.
After Poppy and Molly had cleaned all their blood off the floor, the four girls acted quickly to complete their homework and constructed a fine set of tuning forks made from galvanised steel coated in zinc and a cronium based mercury product.
The girls had themselves a nice wee gang too. Of course, they weren't really a gang because Ani was the only person they knew who had a gun and she didn't want to be in their, quote "lesbian fuckhead" gang. Poppy had a red bandanna though, so I suppose it was a semi-gang. It was actually Molly who had the great idea of the name for the gang. A bit of a play on words really. Being very good girls, they were often referred to as goody-goods at school. Molly thought it most apt is they called their gang the Goddy-Gods.
So, back to the tale, the Goddy-Gods were on their way to the Burle's lovely home on Shakespore Avenue when Poppy noticed a small black animal laying on the road as she bent down to wipe the blood dripping from her bullet wound.
Meanwhile, Ani was back at home. She decided that she might make an appearance at the Burle's. She went to the lawn and found a couple of soft dog turds and popped them in a plastic bag. Ani Slapper raced around to the Burle's. She arrived very quickly. Ani had to hide in the luscious garden the Burle's had cultivated, choosing the flax bushes as her hideout. She tipped the shit into a paper bag and crept to the front door. Ani took her lighter (which, incidentally, had a picture of a Cannabis plant on it, see what I mean about being a bad-ass?) and lit the bag, knocked on the door and ran back to the bushes. It was Nicole who answered the door. Of course, like any sensible safety conscious citizen, she stamped the fire out.
The Goddy-Gods were having a lovely game of Bible Scrabble with Dafid when Nicole walked in.
It wasn't long before the six of them were eating some lovely mince and mashed potato. Nicole had given the four girls a glass of flat diet coke to share. Nicole and Dafid were very fat you see, so they needed to drink diet coke. Ani did not eat any of hers, instead she stuffed the food into the Bible Scrabble box which was conveniently very close to the table. When all had eaten, the Goddy-Gods thanked the Burle's and Ani tipped over their china cabinet. The four girls left around 5.30pm, as dinner had been at 4.30pm. As they walked home, Ani ran ahead and let all the vicious dogs out and they attacked the Goddy-Gods several times. Gosh, that Ani was a prankster!
The Goddy-Gods dropped Ani at her place and went around to Poppy's where she had their secret-gang-science-experiment hidden in the shed. The girls took out all the equipment and were ready to start.
The Goddy-Gods were hard at work on their secret-gang-science-experiment. All of a sudden, they heard a knock on the shed door.
Meanwhile, Ani was at home. She was feeling particularly bitter and so she went and got her pet mice out. By sheer luck for the mice, they had died. Ani took the two dead mice outside. She also took her camera. Ani proceeded to hang the mice from trees and photograph them.
I think it is time to mention that the Goddy-Gods, although good, were not perfect. Poppy ran inside and got the cordless phone and bought it back to the shed. The other two were sitting in anticipation of the badness that was about to occur. Poppy sat down and pressed the talk key on the phone. She dialed a random number.
By now, I am sure you are wondering where all this is heading. Let me explain. Pippy, Molly and Poppy were trying to construct a Ani-Getter-Backer. What they hoped this contraption would do was to make Ani back to the way she was, when she liked to play "Guess the psalm" and spend her weekends curled up on the couch with a biblical novel. But something happened to Ani. The Goddy-Gods were not aware of this happening or they may not have been constructing an entirely different contraption. On day, Ani, or Arnie as she used to be called, was in her favourite class of the day - science. Her teacher, Mrs. Mittleton, was standing next to Ani as she took a blood sample which she would examine under a microscope. Ani reached over to pick up a piece of glass at the same time as Mrs. Mittleton leaned down. Ani's open wound made contact with Mrs. Mittleton's cold sore. Ani felt sick (as you would) and went to the sick bay. As she was lying on the bed, she noticed black hair growing from the wound.
Pippy, Poppy and Molly had by now overcome their little telephone upset when the cordless phone rang. The Goddy-Gods looked at each other, too afraid to answer it. Pippy, being the bravest of the three, pressed the talk button.
Ani, who was sitting on the cat, was flabbergasted. What on earth had happened to Pippy? Ani stood up and the cat hobbled away. She was thinking and thinking when it hit her. Pippy was sleeping with Mrs. Mittleton and licking her cold sores! (Of course, we know this isn't true!) Ani felt as though she had been shot in the foot. Then she realised her gun had gone off in her pocket and had shot her in the foot. So while Ani was dressing the bullet wound, she began to plot. And if you knew Ani Slapper as well as I do, you would know how good she is at that!
The Goddy-Gods had said goodnight to each other and were walking home. Molly walked a different way than Pippy, so they gave each other a nice, friendly, non-lesbian cuddle and went on their ways. Pippy walked home, deep in thought about the words she had expressed to Ani, and of course about the unusual hair growth on her hand. Pippy reached into her Bart Simpson bum bag and felt around for her front door key. When her fingers touched on it, she felt something furry. She pulled the key out to study it and realised it was mole fur. "That's fucking disgusting." she whispered.
If you are a clever reader, you will be making some links now. If you are not a clever reader, then I suppose I will need to spell it out for you. Ani and Pippy were both suffering from the same illness. Ani had been touched by a person who showed an uncanny resemblance to a mole, and Pippy had touched a mole. The symptoms were the same - swearing and unusual hair in funny places.
Poppy was at home, still in the shed, putting the finishing touches on the Ani-Getter-Backer. She was done! Poppy called Molly (as they were very close, and Pippy was occasionally somewhat Outkast) and told her she needed to come back right away. Then she phoned Pippy and Ani. It was all going to be alright!
Ani called her friend, Donny (another evil witch, who, mind you, was like that from birth) and told her to meet her at Poppy's. Molly and Pippy didn't call anyone else.
Poppy was busy running an extension cord from the house to the shed when Pippy and Molly arrived.
What had happened in the Ani-Getter-Backer is not a fundamental component of this tale. However, the fact that Poppy had a dog named Mitzi is.
Let me tell you a little about Mitzi. Mitzi had been dropped on her head as a small puppy by an irresponsible homosexual named Dustin. She had sustained a brain injury as a result. Mitzi was handicapped. This mentally challenged dog had a habit of killing small garden creatures such as hedgehogs, rats and even the occasional mole.
The Goddy-Gods stood around the Ani-Getter-Backer, shaking their heads in disappointment. Mitzi was running around the yard, yapping and carrying on, as handicapped dogs do. Then there was a God-almighty thump. Mitzi was doing a death roll with some sort of black, furry animal. The thumping sound was the captured creatures head cracking open on the pavement. Poppy ran over.
Ani had arrived back at her house. She had been plotting for quite some time and had decided on her final plan. Ani was going to write a detailed letter to the principal of the fine establishment they attended, Fugison Intermediate. She sat down and began to write:
Dear Mr. Cane,
Meanwhile, the Goddy-Gods were trying to discover what kind of animal they were dealing with. Pippy scratched her eye while thinking. She felt the same strange prickly feeling and remembered the hair growing on her hand. The hair on her hand was the same as the hair on the creature! It was a mole! For some unknown reason, it was at this point, Molly made an observation.
Ani was signing the letter to Mr. Cane when the phone rang. Ani was quite shocked. No-one ever called Ani except the Goddy-Gods and Donny. Donny was sick in bed with an anal fissure and it was nearly 9pm and so it couldn't be the Goddy-Gods, they went to bed at 7.30pm. Who could it be? "Hello?" she answered cautiously.
When Ani arrived, the Ani-Getter-Backer had been altered. It had also been renamed, the Mole Muncher. Unfortunately, they had to change the name again as the Mole Muncher was already a trademark of some fools named Annette Teethy and Syphilis Purplebacon. The final name became the Mole-Away. The alterations to the machine had included the use of the entrails and gory inners of the Mitzi-destroyed Mittle Mole. Ani looked the machine over.
For your own interest, Mittle Moles had become quite a feature of Trenvem, where the Goddy-Gods and Ani lived. In fact, they had become somewhat of a pest. It appears that someone was breeding the Mittle Moles in an attempt to turn the whole of the world into a molehole. And yes, you are correct in guessing that it was Mrs. Mittleton. Or Mrs. Mittlemole, as her name was before she changed it by deed-poll. More about that mole later though, there is some important information to be communicated at this point.
Ani and Pippy were both struck by Mole Fever. Ani, obviously more contaminated than Pippy, refused to be treated in the Mole-Away. It was Pippy, the hero of the story, who said she would be treated first. So Pippy stood in the required spot and Molly activated the Mole-Away's pincers. Pippy was thrust into the machine. The machine began to whirr and it was at this point that Pippy noticed a very queer sound. She activated the emergency-stop button (which she had installed herself). The machine stopped and Pippy walked out.
The Mole-Away was ready to go. It just so happened that there was a molehole in the backyard of Poppy's neighbour. So Molly jumped the fence and dug up the molehole. Luckily, it was all Mittle Moles in the burrow, just the kind that causes Mole Fever. Molly pulled a dozen moles out from the hole using a spade and threw them in a sack. Then she jumped back over the fence. Poppy flicked the switch on the machine and Molly threw the moles in. The Mole-Away made its appropriate sounds and twelve little Jam Cacks ran out on their tippy toes.
Now, you may be wondering what Mrs. Debe Zonos Mittleton was doing while her lovelies were being 'awayed'. She was actually very unwell with a severe case of cold sores, which actually turned out to be genital herpes.
So back to the story, Ani and Pippy were both de-moled. They did not come out as little Jam Cacks, which was rather fortunate as Ani didn't own any shoes that she could wear to go tippy-toe. Finally, they once again had no black hairs on their foreheads, hurrah! The Mole-Away was successful. But what happened to the other characters in this story?
Molly was the next candidate for Pastor University. She was chosen and went on to become the pastor of the Trenvem Baptist church. She particularly enjoyed baptising young children in the holy water bath. Molly married Pulinuu. They had two children and named them Marilyn and Barbara.
Poppy went on to become an animator. She took a job as the head animator for The Simpsons. Poppy enjoyed drawing for episodes such as "Homer and the Mole Hunt", "Marge makes Mole Cake", "Lisa and Bart make a Mole skin coat", "Maggie's close encounter with a mole", "Barney gets drunk on Mole juice", "Ned Flanders Mole-diddily-ole experience". They were all extremely funny, but none of them made it to air. Matt Groening wanted to use them, mind you, he just couldn't. Some may say they were too funny. Poppy married Lyle Lovett.
Ani and Pippy had been successfully de-moled. Both now had immunity to Mole Fever and made quite a sum of money from developing a Mole Fever vaccine. Some of the negatives of the girls being put through the Mole-Away was they lost their God-loving ways. The Mole-Away stopped the swearing for a little while, but then after a few months, they were using every foul word under the sun.
But not everything turned out badly.
Ani ended up meeting and marrying a nice Canadian boy, Neb Yellow. It's a mystery how they met, but my sources tell me it may have been while Ani was holidaying in Austin, Canada. Ani became a professional aerobics instructor and spent her days and nights exercising, sun bedding and being generally very healthy. She particularly avoided caffeine, tobacco and alcohol.
Pippy became a student. She never gave a second thought to her early days as pupil at Fugison Intermediate. Pippy is not one to reminisce about the events of the early 1990s! She left Trenvem very quickly and established herself in a lovely home in Ubber Hudd. Pippy had a lot to show for her time on earth!
Now, we cannot forget our villain. While Mrs. Mittleton's doctor was examining her facial genital herpes, he noticed many patches of black hair concealed underneath her see-through blue suit and too-large shoes. (Mrs. Mittleton wore shoes that were two sizes too big to allow for the hair growth and also because she liked the slap-slap sound jandals make). The doctor also did a psychiatric examination and he discovered that she displayed an alarming number of features that indicated she may not be human. Mrs. Mittleton was handed over to the F.B.I. who accidentally closed the door of the transportation van on her ankle. After a six month stay in hospital, she died from complications. |