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It's Uncool To Be A Girl

Sometimes, I wish I were born a boy. I think boys have it easy. They get a good ride. They're here to spread their seed as much as possible, and then die young so the women are left to do everything. A mans body puts too much energy into procreating, that it doesn't have enough time for cell repair. A woman's body, however, spends energy repairing cells as they need to bear the children, and basically run the show. Therefore, women live longer than men. If it were that simple, being a woman would be the best choice out of A and B. But I'm not too sure about that. There are many reasons why being a girl isn't particularly cool.

PUBERTY
I'm sure puberty isn't the coolest time of life for both genders, but I'm a girl, and I'm telling my story here. Although, getting your first pubic hair is exciting, getting your first period is not. Neither is the pain of growing breasts. Using tampons for the first time...well, that certainly isn't rated anywhere on my list of 1 000 000 cool things to do. In fact, I could think of a lot more interesting things to do, like bathing my cat, and ironing my socks.

MENSTRUATION
If anyone ever tells me that bleeding for about 5 days, every 30 or so days is fun, I know they are a vampire, and that I should wear a scarf and iron panties. The only one thing that makes me happy, is that I wasn't born 70 years ago so I don't have to make my own sanitary items out of rags, and wash them by hand when they're "full". I much prefer to have them made by faceless tampon making people and pay a lot of money for the pleasure of using them.

BRASSIERES
I'm lucky that I don't have hugely oversized watermelons for breasts. I don't have to wear a bra if I don't want to, and this is a good thing. Silky, slinky evening tops look excellent with a touch of erect nipple. I don't need a bra to run. I can sleep on my stomach. There is no chance I will ever accidentally suffocate a man with my voluptuous bust. But all the same, bras are annoying and uncomfortable. They dig, they itch, they cut your shoulders. They must have been made by a man.(1)

BODY HAIR
At this point in human development, it's not usually socially acceptable to have excess body hair if you are female. Make that any body hair in most cases. So off we go to our bathrooms and bedrooms and beauty parlours, to pluck, shave, wax and laser it all off. No matter how painless any treatment claims to be, I assure you, it's not. I admit, you do get used to most of this pain, but not all. I will never, ever forget the first and only time I waxed my armpits. I will never do it again.

COSMETICS
I won't lie, I love wearing makeup. It's an art form and your face is the canvas. Some women take the "canvas" thing a bit too seriously, and end up painted ladies. There is nothing worse than heavy foundation that isn't the right skin tone. There is nothing as off-putting as a concealer covered pimple. And there is nothing as unattractive as heavy handed eyeliner. Makeup clogs your pores, makes your skin dry, rubs off on clothes, runs when you cry, forms lines across your eyelids when you're hot. Sometimes, I wonder if it's all really worth it.

CHILD BIRTH
I have only three things to say - "hole too small, head too big", "ouch" and "prolapsed vagina". Just say no to children folks.

The only things that makes me feel a little better are: uncontrollable erections, wet dreams, semen, back hair, baldness and facial hair. And to think, some poor women get the shit end of the deal and not only end up with everything above, but the back hair, baldness and facial hair. Really, it's not fair is it?

(1) So it appears that I am wrong. "The word BRASSIERES has been around since 1911, and it's predecessor, the BODICE, since around 1567. I'm not sure who invented the idea or concept of a breast support garment, but I've heard that the modern bra can be blamed on billionaire Howard Hughes. If he really did invent the modern bra, perhaps it might make you feel better that he lost his mind before he died. Did you know that humans are the only mammal where the female has enlarged breasts when she is not nursing? There's at least one theory why this is so and its pretty damn funny, I think." If they were indeed invented by a woman, I'm assuming they were invented for support and comfort for women who need it. My only question is, why do they make bras in 10A?