How Do I Know Where You Are From?

All the time I get, "Oh! I love your accent! Where are you from?" This question is usually followed by a country, almost never the country that I am actually from. I think in the time I've been living in the States, I have been asked if I'm from New Zealand once, and think that someone told them before they came up to me and spoke to me. In order of popularity, people have guessed I am from these places:

I understand why no one guesses where I'm from because I'm sure the number of New Zealanders most Americans have heard speak is limited to Lucy Lawless, Peter Jackson and Sam Neill. But Brooklyn? The most memorable time I was asked if I was from this very cool area of New York was on the telephone and went something like this:

"Wow! That's a Brooklyn accent if I ever did hear one! I'm from Brooklyn too! I moved to Austin a few years ago! Wow! You're from Brooklyn!"
"Actually, I'm not."
"You're not? Where are you from then?"
"New Zealand. I went to Brooklyn once for a day though, although that doesn't really count."

I tell you, this woman was very embarrassed. And I can see why, as I would have felt rather thick too.

So, here is my guide on how to figure out if someone is from New Zealand and what not to say to them if they are.

1. Drop something about sheep into the conversation, preferably not anything to do with shagging. If they look at you confused like, then they are probably not from New Zealand or Australia. If they tell you they are from New Zealand, don't say anything about there being more sheep than people, because although there are, there are more sheep per capita in Australia, and everyone knows that Aussies are the real sheep shaggers. With so much choice, who wouldn't be?
2. If you suspect that you are talking to someone from Down Under, listen to how they say words like "chance" and "dance". If they say it them like an American, they are Australian. If they say it like an Brit, then they are a New Zealander. It's strange how Australia was built by convicts and they speak like Americans. Strange indeed!
3. Ask them if they have been to New Zealand. If they haven't, they are not a New Zealander.
4. If they mention anything about how their country is the best in the world in sports such as rugby, netball and cricket, they will most likely be an Australian. Either that or a New Zealand who is living in the past.
5. If you ask them if they are from Australia and they take a deep breath and roll their eyes, they are probably another poor New Zealander who gets asked that all the time.
6. If you mention anything about koalas, kangaroos, wallabies or mammals that lay eggs and their sentence starts with, "There are no marsupials" then they are from New Zealand. Don't try to convince them that there are such animals in New Zealand and that you've seen them on National Geographic, because I'm promising you, you haven't.

Once you've determined what country they are from, don't make any obvious jokes, because although it will probably be the first time you've said it, I'm assuring you it's not the first time they have.

If you are one of the Kiwis who get asked where you are from all the time, you might want to spice up the normal answers with answers such as:

1. "Here. I've lived here all my life." This one sure does confuse people!
2. "England." Then start talking about how much you love soccer and how you like to drink lager and how you've never been to the dentist because stereotypes are fun!
3. "Australia." Then proceed to be the biggest wanker ever.

So if you've gone through all these steps and you think they are from New Zealand, ask them if they are Ani Moller. Because I'm pretty sure I'm the only bloody New Zealander in this country.

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