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Being Foreign Is Hard
When I first entertained the notion of relocating countries, I thought, "Hey, that'll be cool." I thought back to my high school days, and thought about the exchange students. I remembered almost every single exchange student from my high school, including a guy from Germany who went to the high school down the road. I remembered their accents, they way they dressed, who they hung out with. They tended to stick out in my mind because they were different and new and had funny accents. I thought it would be cool to be a foreigner. I'm telling you, it's not really that cool.
a) no one understands you
If I'd moved to Australia or England or probably even Canada, I bet I wouldn't have the same problems as I do, being a relocated New Zealander in America. I'm sure that 99% of the people I talk to have never met a New Zealander, and have probably only heard of New Zealand because of the Lord of the Rings and Xena, but even then, they don't exactly know where in the world it is.
Case in point: Due to my estimation of being the only New Zealander that a major proportion of the people in this room have ever heard speak, and knowing that it is like this all the time, people never understand me and I am continually repeating myself. Example 1: Have you ever tried using an automated voice-prompted telephone service with an accent? When I first arrived in America, I got my cat shipped in and she was due to arrive the day after I did. I called the airport the day she was due to arrive to make sure they hadn't dropped her or lost her or something. However, the airport had voice-prompt software on their telephone service. This is how my phone call went:
Phone: "Please say the flight number you are inquiring about." I sure can't do a very good American accent. So, I ended up pressing 0 and waiting for a real person to talk to. However, I spoke to a person for about five minutes and got absolutely nowhere, because it turned out that the person on the line thought I was asking where to pick up my kid, and kept telling me to just walk in the front door, and couldn't figure out why I why I was saying I had my child shipped cargo.
The thing with having a strong accent, is that if people can't understand you and you are with a friend, they never ask you to repeat yourself, instead they ignore you and ask whoever you are with what you are saying.
Hello! I am not invisible! I am a cute foreigner with an accent! Why are you not paying me attention!
I am not an insect, I am a human being!
That's the other thing, no one gets my jokes. I bet no one here has seen the brilliant British comedy duo, Reeves & Mortimer. I would say that you should see their show, but you probably wouldn't be able to understand what they are saying either.
Although, I must say, that the only time that the tables where turned, I took full advantage of the situation. When I was 16 and I pashed the German exchange student from the high school down the road, he drooled the Mississippi into my mouth and I said, shit dude, you drool really bad, and he said, what? I do not understand you, and I said, never mind! Then I took off and told all my friends.
The worst thing about being a foreigner, even worse than having to repeat myself all the time, the worst thing about being a foreigner, even worse than having to repeat myself all the time, is that almost everytime I tell someone where I'm from I end up giving a geography lesson.
"You know that huge ocean? The one they call the Pa-ci-fic? That's where New Zealand is. That's also where Hawaii is - it's definitely not off the coast of Florida, near Cuba. That's just where they put the little insert on the maps. New Zealand is near Australia, but it's not part of it. I know you think I sound like an Australian, but I'm not. Did you know that you sound just like a Canadian to me?"
I once met a woman at a job interview scam (those Amway bastards!) who tried to convince me that there were animals living in the mountains of New Zealand with the bodys of dogs and the heads of crocodiles. She was also positive that New Zealand had koalas and kangaroos and wallabies. There's one thing you don't do to a foreigner - try to tell them that you know more about their country than they do. It's just bad - especially if you just made them repeat their name five times because you couldn't understand them.
But maybe you will remember me. It could be, that I live in Texas and don't have bleached hair. It could be that I don't know where all the states are, but I'm sure hardly any of you do either. It could be that I've never eaten a Twinkie in my life, or because I think In-N-Out Burger and Sonic are the best takeaway burger joints that I'd never had before, and now eat at every possible opportunity. It could be because of my "funny" accent and because I say bahnahna, and you say baanaana, and people seem to find that funny and I don't know why. Whatever the reason, it's certainly not going to be because I have a saliva problem. Thank god for that. |