ANI MOLLER: Superior Content, Hot Text

Being Ani Moller 101

You want to be more like me. It's a fact, baby, and you know it. I'm hip, I'm swank, I'm popular. I'm the head of my own fucking cabal, and everyone wants to be part of it. So I'm here, as your guide, to help you on your path to greatness. Take my advice, and you'll be in the midst of one hell of a good time.

The most important part of being like me, is to look like me. Now, this make take a bit of work, especially for you guys, but you can do it. It's not that hard. Just stick to my easy to follow steps and you'll be looking like me in no time.

1. Dye your hair dark brown, and cut it into a shoulder-length bob. You must keep your locks looking healthy and shiny, so make sure you look after it with expensive top-of-the-range salon only products.
2. Wear sunscreen every day, even in winter, for that porcelain, translucent look. You simply must not have freckles, because freckles are cute, and you are sexy.
3. Purchase a pair of funky Adidas glasses. They have to be black-rimmed, and they have to make you look like a lesbian. I don't know why, it's just the way it is, baby.
4. Have an eclectic wardrobe. One day, wear all black, the next day wear a bright yellow t-shirt and baggy grey pants, and the next wear a white wife-beater with "No Breasts" emblazoned across your bosom. No one should be able to guess what you're going to wear the next day.
5. Master the art of the zigzag parting. Now, this is a lot easier than it would appear - the trick is using a tailcomb. You can't do it right without a tailcomb, so go buy one, now. Zigzag equals swank, and that's what you'll be.
6. Don't wear much makeup. The days of the caked-on foundation and gluggy mascara have past. Natural is sexy, so don't be heavy-handed. Emphasize your eyes, because that's where you want people to be looking, and you probably don't have very big breasts anyway. Highlight the arch of your eyebrow with a pale colour crayon, such as silver or white. A small amount of smudged light grey eyeshadow or eye crayon in the outer corner of your eyelid stops your eye from looking top heavy. Blend a bit of iridescent silver or pink in the inner part of your eyelid. One coat of mascara, and don't redip the brush. Remember readers, smudge those harsh lines away because there's nothing worse than a line of black liquid liner on the rim of your top eyelid. And, don't wear lipstick. Tinted lipgloss is much sexier, and doesn't look as icky on a cigarette butt.

Now, you are ready to move on to the next stage. Acting like me.

1. Be sarcastic. Don't believe anyone who tells you that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. They will only say that because they can't respond intelligently to your cutting remarks.
2. Ignore people on the street. Never, ever say hello to anyone you don't know. It's highly likely it's some crazed fan just asking for an autograph again, and you'll have a sore hand from that book signing the other week, so just ignore them. They'll get over it.
3. Know that you are better than everyone else, and let this reflect in your actions. You know you're more intelligent, witty and attractive than most of the people you meet anyway, so this isn't going to be hard.

Last step, my sexy friends! Frequent the same places as I. I don't go to just any café, bar or restaurant, so get your notepad and write these down.

Motel - Sexy, lounge-type, 70's porn-style bar managed by one crazy, sexy, drug-addled man. Liv Tyler got turned away, but they know your name and greet you with a smile when you press the buzzer.
Matterhorn - The pretty, pretentious people drink here and you fit in splendidly.
Vespa Lounge - You've gotten a few free drinks here on occasions, but since you stopped emailing that barboy, you probably won't get any more. Never mind, you can still perve at that sexy blonde behind the bar.
Liquid - Couches equal good. Groovy music equals good. Kissing equals good.
Krazy Lounge - Funky cafe that makes a damn good iced mocha. Mmm, iced mocha.

You'll just have to get used to everyone knowing your name, but I'm sure you can deal with it. Just hope that they pronouce it correctly, because that's always a bitch.